Secretly Terrifying Movies/Shows

In light of the approaching day of Halloween, I have taken it upon myself to share with you some of the scariest movies and TV shows of all-time. These are the movies that gave me the heebie-jeebies when I was a child. These are the truly terrifying flicks that kept me up at night, checking in every corner for something creepy to dart out and snatch me away. While others may claim to be frightened of The Birds, Halloween, or Scream (pfft!), these are the works that really got my blood a-chillin'.

Seriously...I'm NOT kidding.



When I was four or so, I loved Dumbo. I was obsessed with the movie and couldn't get enough of it. However, as some of you may recall, there is one scene in which the poor, misguided Dumbo gets drunk. Yes, in a Disney movie, a cartoon pachyderm gets drunk. Or maybe it was LSD - who knows? Anyway, Dumbo proceeds to have what is to me, without a doubt, the creepiest trip I have ever experienced in a film. Hundreds of pink, gyrating, dancing elephants parade around amidst bizarre formations of psychedelic colors. I remember all too well hiding behind my father's recliner whenever this scene came on. I'd peep out, scared shitless, waiting for the creepy dancing creatures to go away. Yet I still loved the movie - I know, go figure.



First of all - the original Willy Wonka owns. I hated the remake. Anyway, this movie is pretty much aimed at children and tells them not to be greedy. For some reason, it was decided that the best way to get kids to be good little people was to show them random, terrifying images. A chicken gets its head chopped off, a millipede crawls across a lady's upper lip. It's disgusting. To this day, I have no idea how a movie maintains a G rating when it shows a decapitated chicken. Sickening.



The TV show Fraggle Rock was my all-time favorite show as a child. My parents recorded many episodes for me, and I watched and re-watched them all with fervor. The big giant people scared me a bit, but what really made me piss myself was the Trash Heap. She was this oracle-like, enchanted pile of rubbish that would come to life when these rat-like puppets would summon her. I remember being most scared of her huge nose, which to me seemed like some kind of cancerous growth. She haunted my dreams, and to this day, I keep as far away as possible from garbage dumps for fear of seeing something...deep down...moving...



Today's Special was another genuinely fucked-up children's show. I know it involved finding out whatever that day's special was in this store. For some reason, I recall everything taking place after-hours. Anyway, the puppets in this (yes, notice a pattern? I HATE puppets!) show were fucking repulsive. See that guy above? I don't know who he was or what his job on the show was, but he scared the living feces out of me. I also remember a really ugly, scary old woman who worked downstairs from the main room in the store. I actually had a nightmare about her once. She was up on a wall in Rite Aid, wrapped sadistically in a telephone cord. I bumped into someone and said, "excuse me," and she said, "yeeeees?!" like a really old woman with a tracheotomy. Blech!



Honestly, I have no idea why this one scared me. I recently rented it and it was the dumbest, most juveile piece of crap movie ever. The kid from Wonder Years finds a blue monster under his bed and goes into the land of monsters. It's not that scary, and the monster looks downright ridiculous. The part that most scared me is when the monster would disappear, leaving a little soupy, steaming pile of clothes behind on the kid's floor.



Let me just say - Little Shop of Horrors, as a live musical, is phenomenal. As a movie, though, it's not that great. My parents used to watch this every time it came on HBO, and I hated them for it. The plant was a fucking pervert, its voice was like a wannabe Jamaican cokehead, and Seymour goes outside and HACKS PEOPLE to feed to the plant. "Feeeeeeed meeeeeee!" I wanted Seymour to set that damned plant on fire and get it out of my life forever. Another plant-related thing that was creepy was Don't Go Down in the Basement or something like that...a Goosebumps book by R.L. Stine. Some kid's dad grew plant leaves out of his fucking head. Talking plants are just horrifying. Again - puppets.



Okay, first of all, just look at Howard the Duck. He's a short little puppet-like person in a duck outfit. I like yellow ducks, but these crazy, pervy white alien ones are just SICK. The part of the movie that scarred me forever was when they go into a restaurant, and that creepy guy is possessed by the alien or whatever...and the waitress is trying to figure out what he wants to eat, and he makes weird, scary noises and just looks like the guy you'd least want to have sex with EVER. He's all possessed and psychotic. (shudders)



This is embarrassing, but I saw this movie for the first time when I was 17 or so. It was 2:30 at night, and granted, I was half asleep, but it still terrified me. Bowie - good. Firey puppets that take their body parts off, throw them around, then attempt to take off a human being's head? Not fun at all! The way they sing and dance is nerve-wracking too. It took me months before I could get myself to even listen to "Chilly Down" without being scared. Just goes to show you that you're never too old to get emotionally damaged by a puppet.



Beetlejuice himself never scared me, but that shrunkenheaded THING up there ^ made me want to PUKE. It just sat there in the waiting room, silent and plotting...then when it spoke, my GOD, I felt like maggots were crawling into my ears and devouring my brain. It's a pretty ridiculous-looking puppet, but still yucky.



Remember this scene in Spaceballs, when the guy was eating at the counter, and a little alien pops out? YUCK! It starts singing, "hello, my honey, hello my baby" and it's just WRONG.

I think I've reached a conclusion - puppets are the scariest things a movie can possess. If you have puppets, you have terror, through and through.

Willy Dance

Some random internet gems which prove, yet again, that the web is a utopia for sick, twisted fucks like me.

Man Loses Ring, Digs For It In Toilet
-Some people are just plain sick.-
LINK

The Willy Dance
-Because all genitalia have a secret dream of their own.-
LINK

If I Could Shit Out My Cock
-Ya gotta love the weirdos at b3ta.com-
LINK

Hey Hey 16K
-Because everyone knows, if you want a computer, nothin' beats a 16k.-
LINK

Puberty Pals

This cracked me up. Not work-safe, I wouldn't imagine, but it's deceptively cute.

PUBERTY PALS!

Neil Gaiman

Oh...my...GOD!

I met Neil Gaiman the third, and omg...he was soooooo nice, charming, witty, and BRITISH. SOOOO amazing.

Nick and I were the FIRST TWO PEOPLE IN LINE! We were by ourselves for about two hours before anyone else showed up. We got there around one o'clock, with the event scheduled to start at 7:30. While waiting, we made friendlies with those around us...the first six or so people that showed up after us quickly formed a bond, sharing stories about Neil, Nick Cave, David Bowie, Harry Potter, and The Princess Bride. Oh, yes. One of the lovely fellows next to us in line even made a bottle of mead for Neil, which I am sure he appreciated very much (if the man who was giving it to him was able to stay long enough - he had a flight to catch...I hope he was able to meet Neil!).

We also had a jolly good time laughing it up over the guy who stopped by us, asking, "anyone got any heeeerrrrb?" (He was serious, and was later arrested by an overly zealous policeman who made it a point to stop in front of us again, letting us know, "that guy you all told me about - I GOT 'IM!") Some other random guy walked by, rapping along atrociously to his headphones, but it was all in good fun. Our little group also joked around about how funny it was that Neil Gaiman was doing a signing in a CHURCH of all places, then we decided it wasn't really THAT strange, since he does include oodles of mythology in his works, of course.

For some stupid reason, the Powell's employees, who were sponsoring the event, decided to open the OTHER door, not the one everyone had lined up at originally. We attempted to shove ourselves across the breezeway, but some people who HADN'T been there for six hours ended up ahead of us...no matter...

We still got front row, middle seats.

Anyway, once the event itself started, it was WONDERFUL. I took some pictures as Neil read one of my favorite parts of Anansi Boys (the part about wine, women, and song). His British accent is so alluring. Anyway, then he did a short Q&A section, during which someone asked about what became of the Satanic salsa ("my housekeeper loves to can things, so it's waiting at home"). Some girl who travelled five and a half hours by bus got a limited edition Sandman statue, worth $200. He also read "A Writer's Prayer", because someone said it was appropriate, based on the church setting. :)

At one point, a little girl jumped up and down, going, "oo! Oo! OO!" Neil let her ask a question about Coraline. Later, a guy up in the balcony raised his hand and snapped his fingers, to which Neil said something about how that doesn't even work for waiters, "why would it work for me? An 11-year-old girl, jumping up and down going OO! OO! works." To which the girl yelled out, "NINE!" Neil said, "NINE years old, excuse me." :D

Anyway, then it was time for our books to be signed...that man is SO EASY to talk to.

When I got up to him, the following ensued:



(gives Neil pictures of me with the Satanic ice cube found in freezer) [ LINK ]

ME: I sent this to you through your website, but I didn't know whether or not you saw it.

NEIL: Oh, yeah, I did!

ME: You should probably start a collection of all the Satanic food items people discover. I just thought it was weird because there wasn't water dripping down in the freezer or anything.

NEIL: I've heard there's a scientific explanation for that, but to me, saying it's Satanic just makes more sense. (smiles)

ME: Oh, yeah, definitely.

(NEIL reads the note I wrote at the bottom of the picture, which was basically saying how much I appreciated his works. He laughs softly at my P.S. of, "The lime is so hot.")

NEIL: The lime is hot, isn't it? (smiling)

ME: Oh, yeah! It's so sexy.

NEIL: Well, I will say it's the most well-rounded character I've ever created. (laughs)

(Joke about a LIME being ROUNDISH goes completely over my head until I leave the event.)

(NEIL starts saying again how hot the lime is, while he begins to sign my book, when I unintentionally interrupt him.)

ME: Um, I have a request.

NEIL: Yes?

ME: It's kind of silly, but could you sign it with 'love and limes'?

NEIL: Oh, of course! Oddly enough, I've actually signed a few that way on my own. And because you think the lime is so hot, I'll draw one for you. (NEIL draws a cute little lime, and labels it 'a lime', just in case there was any doubt)

(NEIL hands book to me)

ME: Can I have a hug?

NEIL: Sure!

(We BOTH lean over the table, during which NEIL gives ME a very nice, warm hug. Also included in this hug is the feeling of his soft, for once, COMBED, hair against my cheek.)

ME: Thank you very much!

NEIL: You're most welcome. (NEIL grins genuinely, then moves on to next person in line)



Come on, that is AWESOME! That's pretty much it word for word, as I kept repeating the whole conversation to myself over and over, engraining it forever in my memory. He was SO REAL, down-to-earth, nice, and he took all that time to talk to me.

I only saw ONE other person give him a hug, and most of the people just stood there blankly, getting their book signed and moving on, not even talking to him. That is SAD.

Now, maybe they were just nervous. I mean, I read Stardust and Good Omens when they were new, but it wasn't until I picked up Smoke and Mirrors a few months ago (I am ashamed I just became a fan) that I was blown away. I immediately had to devour anything of his I could get my hands on.

Oh, yeah, anyway...I think if I'd been a fan longer, maybe it would have been more difficult for me to talk to him. I don't know, though, I'm pretty amazed by his writing ability. Anyone who can write a short story so well, dragging you in so deeply so quickly, is a GREAT role model by me.

But yes, it was awesome. I took the pictures (and Nick took some of me talking to Neil - we couldn't pose with him, because it'd been taking too long at other events) on an actual camera, so I won't be able to share those until they get developed. But yes, I had such a great time!

Here's my SIGNED first edition copy of Anansi Boys:


I didn't know you could get more than one thing signed, unfortunately. I wish I had known that, because then I could have gotten my first edition copy of Stardust signed. Oh, well, when he comes back next time, I'll be there!

God...first "celebrity" I've ever met, and he was SO FUCKING SWEET! God...so REAL. He is AMAZING!